


impossibilities

by kintsukimi



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: (spoilers its both of them), Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Anxiety Attacks, Author Projecting onto Tsumiki Mikan, Consent, Cuddling & Snuggling, Literal Sleeping Together, Neopronouns, Neurodivergent Mioda Ibuki, Neurodivergent Tsumiki Mikan, Neurodiversity, Nonbinary Character, Other, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Social Anxiety, Swearing, Touch-Starved Tsumiki Mikan, Tsumiki Mikan Needs a Hug, a couple vague references to sex but nothing explicit, all tws in notes, ibuki speaks in third person, mikan pov, mitski levels of yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:08:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28043694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kintsukimi/pseuds/kintsukimi
Summary: "It was in her nature to fantasize about love and all the impossibilities of it. And now, tonight, she was actually experiencing one of those impossibilities:Mikan was in the same bed as Ibuki."
Relationships: Mioda Ibuki/Tsumiki Mikan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	impossibilities

**Author's Note:**

> lets just say that this ship is very... relevant to me atm.
> 
> btw mikan and ibuki are both fem-aligned enbies in this. here are the pronouns i use for them:  
> mikan: she/her  
> ibuki: it/its, she/her, rave/raves, zi/zim
> 
> tw: social anxiety, vague references to sex (but no actual sexual content), self-deprecating thoughts, anxiety attack, unreality/dereality

How in the world did Mikan end up here?

When she had first met Ibuki, it had seemed so unreachable. She had just known it as the pretty, talented enby in one of her classes. It had the coolest hair that she could have only dreamed of touching, a sense of style that made her jaw drop, a voice sweeter than any candy she had tasted, and a smile she wished she could stare at forever.

Ibuki was a star, shining brightly from far away.

When they were in class together, Mikan had to force herself to face away from the side of the class where Ibuki sat. Which happened to be… right next to her. She found it difficult just to take a peek at her, in the fear that she might somehow notice and think she was creepy. Better to not take any risks.

She looked forward to every school day knowing she would get to be in the same room with her crush, only for... nothing to happen. Ibuki wouldn't talk to her, or even look at her. It was just another boring day of class, sitting next to the most perfect person she had ever seen.

Mikan really, really wished she had the courage to speak to her, to ask her to hang out, to do  _ something  _ to become  _ someone  _ to rave. But it was hard enough talking to  _ anyone  _ with her social anxiety, let alone someone so intimidatingly gorgeous. It was agony to just sit idly and yearn, but she couldn't bear to ever go through the stress of making a move.

She started having dreams about zim, where zi wanted her just as much as she wanted zim, and zi would confess zis love and everything would be wonderful. Mikan would then proceed to wake up and realize in misery that it was all just her own pitiful imagination.

She knew it was a bad idea to let herself yearn. She would only dig herself down deeper into that hole of despair, setting herself up for heartbreak with each daydream scenario she came up with. At night, she imagined things that would never happen, clutching a stuffed animal like it was the object of her affection. Every day, she wished and prayed for something hopelessly unattainable.

She knew this was all bad. She knew it would only make things worse. But she just couldn't help it; it was in her nature to fantasize about love and all the impossibilities of it. But now, tonight, she was actually experiencing one of those impossibilities:

Mikan was in the same bed as Ibuki.

Somehow, as if some kind of god had heard her desperate pleas, her crush had actually reached out to  _ her.  _ It had started messaging her through the school email, and Mikan had had to take breaks in the middle of reading the messages on her computer to  _ stim like crazy. _

Her heart had pounded as she read the words over and over.  _ Ibuki’s  _ words. How had this happened? What had she done to receive such good karma?

In a whirlwind of feelings, she had somehow ended up becoming friends with Ibuki. The two talked and hung out sometimes, and although Mikan still felt very anxious around her, it was an amazing leap from where they had been before.

And they just kept on making leaps in their relationship. Right into Ibuki’s bed.

Okay, maybe putting it that way wasn't the best idea. Mikan flushed at the implications. She was glad she was facing away from the other enby.

Ibuki had invited Mikan over to her house earlier that week. They had agreed to meet up there after school on Friday. Mikan hadn't been able to believe she had been given an opportunity like that. Her crush wanted someone like  _ her  _ in her house? It felt like a trap. But in the moment, she had been unable to turn her down.

They had never been so  _ close  _ to each other before. Just a few inches of mattress lay in between them now. But Mikan selfishly wanted  _ more.  _ The vague sense of body heat beside her was hardly enough to satisfy her. Ibuki was  _ so tantalizingly close _ . But it only make the figurative distance between them seem wider.

This situation had been one Mikan played in her mind multiple times, as she had lain alone in her own bed. But she had always had to tell herself that it would never actually happen. For all she knew, this itself could be just a dream.

The room was far too quiet, quiet enough for one to pick up every little sound they made. Every awkward shuffling movement Mikan made in an attempt to somehow get comfortable was very, very obvious. Beside her, she could hear Ibuki softly breathing…

But the sound over all of that was her own intense heartbeat. It pulsed in her chest, in her throat, in her ears… She was almost certain that even Ibuki could hear it. How embarrassing.

The clothing she had been wearing that night now felt very uncomfortable on her body. The fabric brushing against her skin felt strangely irritating, like an extra layer of skin she wished she could peel.

No matter how much she changed her position, she couldn't get comfortable. She wasn't used to this. The presence of a living, breathing body merely inches away from hers and the lonely, empty space between her arms were far too apparent for her to ignore.

She just  _ knew _ Ibuki was judging her every movement. Raves eyes were closed, but she felt like rave knew whenever she was facing rave, and that rave would feel weirded out by her looking at rave. But if she faced away from rave, that might come across as too rude. And besides, Mikan  _ did  _ want to look at rave. She was just paranoid that rave wasn't actually asleep and that rave would feel her stare.

She lay on her back, forcing her eyes to lock onto the ceiling. It would be creepy to watch Ibuki sleep. It would be selfish.

Why did she have to overthink every interaction she had with zim? She'd dreamt of this scenario so many times, but now that she actually got to experience it, her own stupid brain was ruining it. If anything, having this experience only made her feel worse. Only made her feel further away from her crush. Only made her want zim more.

But Ibuki probably didn't want her. As much as she might have tried to convince herself that it did actually like her back, she had to come to terms with the fact that it was impossible. It was just being nice, because that was what it did. It was just doing all of this, being Mikan’s friend, hanging out with her, letting her sleep over, out of pity. It probably hated her. It was probably getting very annoyed with all the shuffling around she was doing. It probably wished it could have this bed back to itself.

This endless barrage of negative thoughts was getting to be too much for her to bear. She crumpled back to her side, bundling up her end of the blanket and clutching it in her arms just so she could hold  _ something _ . She trembled weakly beneath the weight of her overwhelming thoughts. 

Her throat was blocked from suppressing tears, making it hard for her to breathe. Shit. Ibuki would be able to hear her if she started gasping for air… but she'd also hear her if she started crying.

Pathetic as always, Mikan was legitimately panicking just by being in the same bed as her crush.

In one desperate swoop, she freed herself from the suffocating blanket and sat up on the side of the bed. She held her hands over her eyes, as though trying to push back the tears, as she panted like she had just woken up from a nightmare. Shit, there was no way Ibuki was still asleep after that.

Just as she was about to flee to the bathroom, she felt a shifting behind her. “Hey, you good?”

_ Fuck. _

No holding back the waterworks now. Mikan’s body heaved with a choked sob, folding in on itself. Everything was falling apart.

“Whoa, hey…” Ibuki shuffled closer to her. “What's wrong, Miki?”

What was Mikan supposed to say? “I'm breaking down because I like you way too much and now I have to share a bed with you”? This whole situation was too, too embarrassing. Her body burned with shame.

After a few seconds of trying to at least somewhat compose herself, she hiccuped weakly, “A-Anxie..ty...”, which definitely wasn't a lie. Her social anxiety was a big contributor to this.

“Oh, Ibuki understands,” rave said in a shocking gentle voice. “Is there anything rave can do to help? Or should rave leave you alone? You don't have to sleep here if you're uncomfy, y’know.”

Both options, staying here with her crush or sleeping in a different bed, sounded awful. Mikan didn't know what to do. She knew she wanted  _ something,  _ but it was something impossible. And no matter what she did end up doing that night, it was going to be too much for her heart to take. Maybe she shouldn't even have come over in the first place.  _ Why did I think this was a good idea? _

“Did Ibuki make you uncomfortable by having you sleep in the same bed as zim? Zi's sorry if zi did.”

On one hand, it was right, the whole reason this was happening was because of that, but on the other, Mikan didn't want it to feel bad or get the wrong idea. She wasn't uncomfortable because she didn't want to sleep with Ibuki; she was uncomfortable because she  _ wanted  _ to sleep  _ with  _ Ibuki.

Once again, poor phrasing.

Ultimately, Mikan shook her head. “I-I just…” she took a shaky breath. “I'm not used to… doing things w-with people, and I'm just--just…” She struggled to find the words, getting choked up again just trying.

“Take your time, you're doing fine,” Ibuki reassured her, sounding far too caring. Damn her patience.

“I want to--to be able to, like, do things like this. It's just that.. my... my social anxiety g-gets the best of me. And I get scared. It's new and scary and I don't want you to--” She cut herself off before she could get too deep.

She didn't need to say any more. Ibuki understood what she was trying to say.

“Is it okay for Ibuki to touch you?”

Mikan's brain short-circuited for a moment.  _ What? _ How did rave… She could feel her face heating up beneath her palms. Rave found her out, didn't rave? Rave knew.

It took a while for her to bring herself to nod slightly, although saying yes to that was definitely too forward and Ibuki definitely thought she was gross now and--

A hand was placed on her back.  _ Oh. _

Ibuki began rubbing soothing circles in her back. That's what zi had meant. Zi had wanted permission to give her platonic physical comfort. A hand on her back. Nothing more.

Mikan felt stupid for jumping to conclusions again. Just like always.

“If it helps, Ibuki thinks you've been doing a great job so far,” it murmured. “And it doesn't think badly of you.”

She had to be lying. She was just saying that so Mikan could stop annoying her and so she could get back to sleep.

“I'm--” Mikan sniffed wetly. “I'm sorry for bothering you.”

“You're not bothering Ibuki. Trust rave,” rave promised, with a small chuckle for some reason. “Just tell Ibuki what you need and rave'll help you. Rave wants you to be as comfy as can be at raves house.”

_ I need  _ you _ ,  _ Mikan thought immediately. “I… I don't.. know.”

Ibuki hummed in thought. “Well, what usually helps you feel comfiest when you go to bed at your house?”

“Well…” Mikan flushed again. She couldn't mention the fact that she usually slept in her underwear. “I-I always have something I hold. I kinda need to, um, have something in my arms, or I don't… feel, you know, safe.” This was just as embarrassing. “Urgh, I really should have brought a stuffed animal…”

Ibuki must have been thinking she was so childish and pathetic. Zi probably wouldn't even see her the same way again. Zi probably wouldn't ever take her seriously again--if zi ever did.

“Ah, Ibuki gets that. It needs that too.”

_ What? Her too? _

But wait… Rave hadn't been holding anything when rave had been sleeping just earlier. That must have been another pity lie.

There was a painful silence. Mikan cautiously looked over at the other enby. Zis face seemed surprisingly… bashful? And--

_ Oh god. _ Ibuki looked beautiful.

It seemed practically naked without all its dramatic makeup, but its bare face was equally stunning. Its porcelain skin glowed in the moonlight creeping through the window. Part of its shirt had slunk down, revealing one of its shoulders teasingly. Its hair was messy with bedhead, but in a way that Mikan found to be undeniably cute. Mikan couldn't believe  _ this  _ was the person she had been laying next to all this time.

“Uh… so…” Ibuki muttered, suddenly awkward.

“What?” Had Mikan spaced out and not realized something?

Ibuki laughed, a musical sound the other would never tire of hearing, though she didn't know why she was doing it right now. “Why are we both neurodivergent?” she joked. “Ibuki’s trying to, like, imply that we should… hold, y’know, each other.”

...Wait.  _ Wait. _

Now, rave actually…  _ was  _ asking about what Mikan had thought rave had been asking about before? Rave  _ wanted  _ to do that? How could that be? Why would  _ Ibuki Mioda  _ want to  _ cuddle  _ with  _ Mikan Tsumiki _ ?

“O-Only if you want to, of course!” Ibuki added quickly, putting zis hands up. “You can say no. Ibuki won't be offended.”

This had to be a dream, right? Some big joke? There was no way Mikan’s crush would actually want to do something like this with  _ her. _ It was all a trick, it had to be. As much as she desperately wanted this, she just couldn't bring herself to accept the offer, because she knew it was just a trap. It was too good to be true.

She buried her face in her hands again, feeling a new wave of tears coming on. “Why are you teasing meeee…?”

Ibuki moved its hand from her back to her shoulder. “Teasing you…? Miki, Ibuki just wants to help you feel better.” Knowingly, it added, in a tiny voice, “...It might be hard for you to believe, but it's being serious right now.”

Mikan peeked back at her from between her fingers. The smile on her face was so caring, so genuine, that it made her heart skip a beat. How could she be looking at  _ her  _ like  _ that _ ?

“I… Are you sure you actually want this?”

“Absolutely.” Raves eyes twinkled. “Unless Mikan doesn't.”

Zi really said her name, huh. Zi was actually talking about  _ her. _ This was happening. Mikan's crush really wanted this. Really?

She slowly placed her trembling hands back down on her lap. “...O-Okay,” she whispered, unable to hold eye contact with her crush any longer.

But they were both still sitting on the edge of the bed. Now that the deal had been sealed, Mikan realized she didn't know where to go from there. She'd never done this. She'd never thought she'd get to this point. “So, um… How do we do this?”

Ibuki blinked. “Well…” It looked back at the bed behind them. “We could start by, like, actually lying back down.”

Okay. That's all she had to do. Just lie back down.

Somehow it felt harder this time. All her movements felt heavier. The air around them seemed even more stifling. This was so, so awkward. She started to regret saying yes.

As if reading her thoughts, Ibuki reminded her, “You can always tell Ibuki to stop if you need to.” She settled back down beneath the sheets and opened her arms up to her.

Mikan froze.  _ What am I…? Does rave want me to…? _

Ibuki opened and closed zis hands, beckoning her to come closer.

Mikan scooted over hesitantly, somehow still feeling the need to keep a polite distance. Was it really okay for her to get so close…?

The arms closed around her and pulled her in a little closer. Almost too close, actually, as Mikan was starting to feel a bit of anxiety build up inside of her again.

It took a little while for her to register it, but a comforting warmth now enveloped her body. A warmth like a mug of hot tea and comfy pajamas on a winter morning. Safety. Peace.

It was nice… It was  _ really _ nice.

But just as she felt her eyelids start to droop, the realization of the situation she was in hit her. She blushed as she was reminded that these were  _ Ibuki’s  _ arms around her body,  _ Ibuki’s  _ chin resting on top of her head,  _ Ibuki’s  _ chest she was snuggling against. It was all so sudden, she nearly shoved it away.

But instead, she simply stiffened in shock. This didn't seem right. It felt too good to be true. She didn't deserve this.

The chin on her head pulled away as Ibuki looked down at her. “What's the matter? Is this uncomfy?”

“I…” Mikan released her hands from Ibuki’s shirt, which she had apparently been holding onto for dear life. She couldn't keep indulging herself like this. It was shameful and selfish of her to enjoy Ibuki like this when she had these… feelings.

“You wanna stop?” Ibuki asked, much more kindly than Mikan deserved.

_ No. Of course I don't want to stop. I want to stay like this forever. I want to feel your skin and absorb your warmth and finally feel loved, but I just can't. This is wrong. _

“...This is a dream, isn't it?” The sadness in her voice seemed to turn the bed cold.

“Mikan…” There was no way that was Ibuki Mioda’s voice. There was no way she was saying _her_ name like _that_ , with all the softness and care of a mother soothing her child. That couldn't have been Ibuki Mioda, the loud, chaotic, dramatic alt kid at her school, all chains and fishnets and sharp eyeliner. She had to have all just been a projection of her own desires. A manifestation of all the things she wished someone could be for her.

Once again, tears began to prickle at Mikan’s eyes. She was being teased. Her feelings were being played with. Her own head was torturing her tonight, all because of her stupid feelings for a pretty enby she could never have.

She finally tore away, tears spilling a second time. The cold absence of Ibuki’s touch was jarring, but she knew it was for the best. It was familiar. It was real.

After a long moment of crying, curled up in a ball, Mikan heard a frustrated sigh from behind her.  _ Rave's getting annoyed with me. I knew this would happen. Rave hates me now. I fuck up everything. _

“...You're really gonna make Ibuki come out and say it, huh?”

_ Say what? To leave? That I'm being a pain? That zi never actually wanted to do any of this in the first place? _

“Mikan… Why do you think Ibuki’s doing all of this?”

The crying girl sniffled through her tears. She wasn't sure what Ibuki was getting at, but she answered it truthfully. “If you--If this actually is real, then… it's b-because you.. pity me...”

The other enby hummed sadly. “That's what Ibuki was afraid of. Well then…” It took a deep breath. “This might not be the best time to say this, with you all overwhelmed and everything, but Ibuki doesn't want you misunderstanding anymore.”

Mikan's crying quieted down a little bit, but she still couldn't bring herself to face her crush. Ibuki continued speaking anyways.

“Ibuki is doing this only because she cares about you. You're her friend, and she believes you deserve to feel happy and to know just how important you are. She understands that feeling of not being worthy of love, that your friends secretly hate you, so Ibuki wants to put an end to that feeling now. You  _ are  _ worthy. And Ibuki definitely doesn't hate you… Quite the opposite, in fact.”

Mikan's breath faltered. What did rave mean by that? 

“Ibuki…” Zi seemed to struggle for a second. “ _ I  _ like you.”

Her heart practically stopping, Mikan looked over her shoulder, dumbstruck. With big, wet eyes, she stared up at the enby she was hopelessly in love with. The same one who had just  _ confessed its love to her. _

She had to defy this. She had to fight the gnawing feeling in her heart, the one that made her stupid and gullible and always got her into trouble. The same one that conjured up this pathetic dream.

“Impossible,” she whispered.

Ibuki’s head fell and she laughed lightly. “..Well. You can keep doubting it all you want, but you'll see just how real this is when you wake up and Ibuki’s still here.”

It was no use. Mikan didn't have enough fight left in her. No more sad attempts at refutation. She just wanted to believe.

Maybe… maybe tonight, she could at least try.

She stared at nothing for a bit, still trying to absorb the heavy information she had just received. But, like always, her head was somewhere else, unable to fully connect with the person beside her. A person who had usually been just an idea to her, an image, some faraway dream, not a tangible being that could exist in the same space as her. Let alone in the same bed.

She just wanted it to feel real. She wanted proof.

“...C-Can you… hold me again?”

And so, Ibuki did. And it was even warmer than before, even more comforting, as though rave was pouring all of raves feelings into raves touch. But, as always, rave reminded her that rave could always stop if and whenever she needed rave to.

“Never,” she sighed in a voice almost too small to be heard. But of course, in the quiet of Ibuki’s room, it was heard. And she could feel Ibuki smile where zi nuzzled against her head.

It was then that Mikan noticed that Ibuki’s heart was thumping just as hard as hers was. It was sort of grounding to be able to feel it.

It stroked her hair, humming a song Mikan didn't recognize but found soothing anyways. She felt safe like this, like a baby being cradled. She really was a baby, wasn't she?

She shook off that self-deprecating thought. Thinking like that would only ruin the moment. Instead, she allowed herself to just take it all in and enjoy Ibuki’s company.

Once she felt comfortable enough, Mikan finally gathered the courage to return the embrace. She slowly wrapped her arms around her, like she had longed to do all night. And it was  _ much  _ better than holding a stuffed animal.

She felt Ibuki gasp as she did this, before holding her a little tighter. It was the perfect position. She had never been more comfortable. Honestly, she almost cried all over again.

Suddenly, she felt lips being pressed against her head in a tiny kiss. It seemed shy and experimental, but it sure succeeded in helping her feel loved. She buried herself deeper in Ibuki, deeper in love, flustered and overcome with joy. At this point, she didn't even care if this was real or not. It just felt nice.

It was perhaps the nicest sleep of her life.

And when she woke up in the morning, it was not alone in her own bed. It was to Ibuki’s gentle breathing and heartbeat, raves arms still holding her like she was something precious. She woke up with the person she could spend the rest of her days with. And the one she probably would, now that she knew rave wanted her just as much as she wanted rave.

It was new and scary and seemingly impossible, but she could at least try. Ibuki was here for her.

She stared fondly, her heart nearly bursting, at zis peaceful, smiling face as zi sleeped. Zi was smiling because of  _ her.  _ What a wild thing to think about.

Mikan decided to take this opportunity to be a tiny bit selfish, a tiny bit self-indulgent. Very carefully, she wove her fingers through Ibuki’s pretty, streaked hair, which happened to be surprisingly soft. She twirled a strand of it with a finger, smiling. 

She was allowed to do things like this now. She didn't have to feel ashamed for her love. Not feeling shame for something about herself was foreign to her, but with Ibuki looking so happy to be with her right now, the shame was slowly starting to melt away.

“Good morning, love,” she breathed. “Mikan likes you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is embarrassing lmao


End file.
